Hi Haya,
I recently lost a loved one very unexpectedly and it’s been extremely challenging for me to deal with their sudden passing. I’m set to leave Karachi and settle abroad soon, but this sense of loss has been really difficult for me to cope with.
My family, too, is still reeling with the loss as we were all very close to my brother whose absence has taken an immense toll on our mental health. While my family and I are trying to move on, it’s the little things that keep reminding us about him.
We are also a fairly religious family and faith is very crucial to our life. But we do often feel sad and are unable to fathom the significant loss. I do feel that this was something God had planned and we are content with the decision. But there are moments where we do feel the sense of loss a little too strongly.
Please help us understand how to deal with these feelings?
— A grieving sister
Dear grieving sister,
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. Loss is any form can be extremely hard, but the loss of a closed family member can be so difficult to get through. You must be experiencing so many difficult emotions at this time.
As human beings, we are meant to face several losses in our lives, each that come with its own level of impact, while there is no fixed formula to the process, the closer your relationship and the deeper your attachment with the concerned, the larger is the impact of the loss.
Sudden deaths especially of a close member of the family can pull you out of your roots and leave you unsettled questioning everything around you.
Losing a brother, with whom you have spent your entire life and share deep attachment and memories, is a big loss to fathom. Moreover, leaving Karachi to move and settle abroad at this time must be so difficult for you to do and process.
While I can’t take away your pain, what I can do is remind you of what you can offer yourself during this really challenging time in your life.
I hear you wanting to understand how to deal with these feelings where this this has taken a huge toll on your family’s mental health, even though you try to move on little things remind you of him.
While no one may be able to understand how you may be fully feeling I want to remind you that you can have strong faith and be content with Gods decision and feel sadness, loss grief at the same time. Both these experiences can co-exist at the same time.
Grief is a multi-layered process and going through a magnitude of emotions is a natural part of the grieving process.
There are seven stages of the grieving process. They include shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It’s a complex and individual journey and can involve a range of emotions and experiences. However, it’s important to note there is no set order in which the stages must be experienced but being aware of the different stages may help you in understanding what you are going through better.
You could feel it in a range of ways – sometimes daily tasks could become overwhelming, sometimes you could feel totally numb and disconnected from yourself, some days you could be okay for some time unless it hits you again, some days you could be angry, some days you could feel extremely helpless. There is not wrong or right here.
Point being, each person’s journey towards grief is very personal and unique.
Instead of trying to move on I would really encourage you to acknowledge and honor your feelings ,and allow yourself to feel.
Further below I am listing down some areas that can help you with the loss and support you in your journey. Just as when you injure yourself physically you see a doctor and take care of yourself until you feel better, in the same way when you go through the loss of a loved one you need to look after yourself. Here are some things you can do to support yourself:
- Lean on your support system: Use this time to lean on your support system, family, friends whoever may that be for you. You could use this time as a family to lean on one another and grieve together.
- Grief counselling: If you feel like its getting too much for you I would encourage you to work with a trained mental health professional who would be able to hold space for you and support you during your process
- Journaling: Sometimes thoughts get too much and its helpful to get them out of our heads. Journaling works great or any other form of expression that you feel would work better for you (art, music, etc)
- Take care of your physical needs: It is easy to neglect ourselves at times like these, but I encourage you to try to take care of the basics; adequate sleep, nutrition, hydration and some form of light movement if possible.
- Honour their memory: If you feel you haven’t said goodbye properly, you could honour their memory in a way that feels right to you.
The conclusion is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your process is your own, and you don’t need to pretend you’re okay, because you might not be and that is okay. Give yourself space and time to acknowledge the magnitude of your loss and permission to feel how you’re feeling to really experience that grief, and let your emotions come as they are meant to.
And remember, there is no timeline to healing – this journey is yours no matter what others may tell you. Others may not understand and that’s okay. Take your time and take care of yourself!
I hope this helps. I wish you immense healing on your journey.
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions to [email protected]
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